Thursday, December 1, 2011

Glory Baby

I've wanted to write a blog entry for two weeks about our precious glory baby, but I wasn't ready.  I journaled, I talked, I cried, I prayed, I grieved, but I didn't know how to put it all into words on here.  I think I'm ready now.  Grief is a strange thing that is such a central part of life.  We are born, we live, and eventually we die.  The hard part of this grieving is this baby will never get to see the sun, smell the flowers, be held in our arms, or do any of the human things that we take for granted.  While this is true, he/she is seeing the Son, smelling the heavenly aroma of perfection, being held in Jesus' arms, and in the only body he/she will ever know, a perfect heavenly one.

Our journey began almost exactly two years ago.  When we got married, we knew we didn't want to wait a long time to have children.  Both of us love kids and want to raise children to love and serve Jesus.  Well, the Lord's plan for our lives is not always our plan.  We prayed and waited on the Lord, wanting to know His will as time continued to pass with no pregnancy.  After much prayer and a year and a half of trying and waiting on God, we went to a fertility specialist this past summer.  After a lot of testing, we found out that the only issue was my ovulation, so I was put on ovulation medication this fall.  On November 8th, I had a positive pregnancy test.  After having so many negative ones, I didn't know what to do when it was positive.  We were ecstatic and so thankful to the Lord for answering our prayers.  We still are.  Because we were seeing a specialist, they decided to have me get blood draws every other day for a week to make sure everything was progressing as it should.  We got a call after the 3rd blood draw that something was wrong - the pregnancy hormone had stayed the same over a period of a day and a half.  HCG levels are supposed to at least double every day, so this was a major red flag.  We began to pray and got everyone else to pray, knowing both that God could do a miracle and also that might not be His will.  On November 15, the day I was scheduled for another blood draw, we both woke up with tremendous peace in our hearts that God would carry us through whatever was to come.  Later that day, we found out that our precious baby had gone to rest in Jesus' arms.   One tremendous blessing in all of this is that we got the blood draws when we did.  If we had been going to a regular obgyn, we wouldn't have an appointment scheduled for a few more weeks and would have found out when the baby actually miscarried.  How much more painful and devastating that would have been!  Thank you, Lord, for your tiny blessings in the midst of heart wrenching pain.

Many people have asked me how I am doing.  It depends on the day.  The first week was the hardest as I went through the very painful physical part and the raw emotional pain all at the same time.  Time has helped in some ways and made it harder in others.  We try to remember the excitement, planning, and love for that precious baby all bottled up in the few days we knew he/she was being knit together in my womb.  As time goes on, it's harder to remember those little moments that become blurred with the pain that followed.

There are many questions swirling around in our heads, but there is one thing that has remained constant -- my precious Jesus.  He has held us, comforted us, grieved with us, and loved us so lavishly.  I have felt so close to the Lord in these past weeks.  I am not the same in so many ways as a result of losing our glory baby, but one thing I am thankful for is that my relationship with Jesus can never be the same.  I have learned to lean on Him and trust Him in the midst of the storms of life.  There is nothing more precious than that.

The verse that has ministered the most to me during these weeks has been 1 Thessalonians 4:13
"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."

The verse that has ministered the most to Aaron has been Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am more in love with my husband today than I could have ever imagined the day we got married.  Every one always told us that we would go through things together that would knit us together as one more than we could ever imagine.  I knew it was true, but I didn't begin to understand until now.  I have seen a new side of Aaron that I would have never asked to see, but God has allowed me to see Aaron's deep character and commitment to trusting God no matter what.  Aaron is a man worth submitting to, a man worth loving, and a man worth going through the trenches with.  I am so thankful that the Lord has given us to each other.  We want more than anything else for God to use us and our glory baby to bring Him honor and glory.  This baby's life, however short, has a purpose, and we do not want to miss that!

We have had so many wonderful people carry us through their kindness and prayers than I could have ever dreamed of.  Our families, friends, and even distant acquaintances have been there for us in such a real, deep way that I am so grateful for.  If you are one of these, thank you.  You have shown us the love of Jesus with your words, your actions, and your love.  For those of you who have shared your stories of infant loss with us during this time, thank you for your openness, your tenderness, and your understanding.  Thank you for using your pain and loss to help us to grieve in a healthy way.

For those of you that have talked to us and loved on us, thank you.
For those of you who have prayed for us, thank you.
For those of you who have felt the pain of this loss as well, we are truly sorry, and we pray the Lord will wrap you in His arms during your grieving process and give you His perfect peace.  If you need to talk, I am here.

I am planning to blog more in the weeks and months to come and hope you will join me and comment.  That's the only way I know people are reading.

Holding onto Jesus,


carlene said...

Dawn, although I myself have never grieved the loss of a child, I was in high school when my brother was stillborn. I remember how hard it was for me and know it was a larger battle for my mom & stepdad. I'm so proud of you and Aaron for the maturity of your faith as you walk through this experience. I applaud that you've been open in sharing your pain so you two can grieve in healthy ways and I appreciate that you let me, a distant-former-classmate join in your journey. You are beautiful in so many ways and I wish you both the best as you continue on in life together. -Carlene

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